We see ceremonies created in all shapes and sizes. From two people at the top of a mountain to two hundred people gathered on a city rooftop, there is something about a ceremony that makes a special mark in your hearts on your marriage day. We often get asked about how to incorporate people from different parts of your life into a ceremony. We know it is especially important to include those who cannot be with you, but can often be hard to find the right words to do so. We are sharing some of our favorite ways to include your distant or passed loved ones into your ceremony in a meaningful and intentional manner.

FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT MAKE THE JOURNEY.

There are many reasons that some loved ones may not be able to attend your wedding. If it’s important to incorporate those people in the experience of your marriage ritual, we recommend facilitating letters from your loved ones. Either you or your officiant can coordinate an email outreach asking those unable to attend to write a small letter or mini-toast from which they can share excerpts at the ceremony. If you’d like to keep the good words a surprise, you can have your officiant facilitate the replies and incorporate a few excerpts at a smaller ceremony, then enclose the rest in a letter to be read later at dinner or when you arrive at your final destination post-celebration.

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE PASSED.

A common practice in officiating is to share some opening remarks, followed by an acknowledgement of the group gathered at a ceremony, then followed by an acknowledgement of those not present. This is a space to honor loved ones that have been lost and who have had a significant impact on your lives. If it feels okay to invite the memory of those who have passed into your marriage day, then take some time to reflect on what you’ve learned from these loved ones. What are the family values they passed on to you? What traditions do you want to carry forward? What life lessons have you learned through their experience and stories? How would you like to honor their gifts in the way you create your marriage? You or your officiant can offer words of gratitude — specific or otherwise — to acknowledge the impact of those who have passed in your ceremony.

FOR THE UNMET INFLUENCES IN YOUR LIVES.

You may have met your partner after they experienced significant loss of a loved one. You may feel called to honor that unmet influence in their lives, yet not know exactly how to go about it. Tapping into a personal relationship with that person is not possible, and describing the stories your loved one carries about their relationship may also feel false or transposed. If that’s the case, grab a pen and paper and do some free-writing. What do you feel connected to about this unmet influence in your lives? How does their influence show up? Is it in the small details of how someone approaches a project? Or values experiences? Or processes emotion? Is it in the stories passed on? The character traits they carry with them? Free write about the gifts that unmet influence has created in your lives. If, at the end of the free write, it feels authentic to share your observations in the ceremony remembrances or in your own vows, we encourage you to include them.

— Kate, Creative Director of Tapestry Event Co.