Strengthening Your Bond: Recommended Exercises + Activities
We love that we get to witness couples' journey into marriage. The chapter of getting engaged and planning your marriage is unlike any other in life. Couples are not only making big decisions together, but also shifting their mindset into a more committed relationship. Some describe it as a continuation and deepening of the relationship that already exists. Others describe it as a shift into more intentional partnership. Others still describe it as a learning and growth period. We say: Why can’t it be all three?
ENGAGEMENT: AN OPPORTUNITY TO DEEPEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
We have observed that planning for marriage provides an incredible introduction into forging deeper bonds of partnership. You’re already project managing together in new ways, like planning your wedding or elopement. You are setting aside time to budget and to decide how to invest in meaningful moments and experiences. You are navigating joint decision-making in a new context and balancing those skills with specialization and trust. You are likely discussing community dynamics, their impact on you, and whether you want to invite those traditions and relationships into your marriage.
There is already some pretty deep work happening here, whether you consciously embarked upon doing it or not. If the planning process has not been as light and fluffy as you had anticipated, then congratulations! That means you are engaging with the deeper stuff of marriage. And that isn’t a bad thing. It’s healthy to acknowledge the conversations and emotions that you’re having with each other so that you can continue to be conscious and supportive.
What we recommend is adding a bit of balance into your lives to help level out the deep talks and new feelings. Below are a few lists (because who doesn’t love a list?) of activities that you can do in your lead up to marriage to add a bit of joy and relief into your relationship. The best part? These lists apply before, during, AND after marriage! So you can come back to them again and again.
BUILD INTIMACY IN MEANINGFUL WAYS.
Here are some things to DO:
Take a class together. We especially recommend topics that are new to both of you so you can build a bond together on the same footing.
Learn a new language and culture together. Visit that country if possible (perhaps on a honeymoon?).
Find out your partner’s favorite play or musical group and go see it.
Give your partner a full day off from household chores.
Plan a picnic for the two of you.
Buy a surprise present for your partner.
Bring home your partner’s favorite dessert, prepare their favorite tea or coffee, and serve it to them.
Plan some way that you would like to improve your home, then own the project and make it happen!
Here are some way to PLAY:
Be present. That means putting your phone away, on silent, in the other room.
Cook together. Take turns helping each other and sharing the work. Or make a competition out of it.
Teach each other something. Set aside time to listen and learn about something your partner is passionate about. Try it on, even if it’s only for this one time, and allow them to show you what lights them up.
Go on a date. Yep, you heard us. Get out of the house. Get out of your comfort zone. Go do the thing of being in the world and having new experiences!
Here are some ways to create SAFE SPACE for your partner:
Acknowledge your partner.
Appreciate your partner.
Treat your partner with respect.
Validate your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences.
Give space for your partner to show up authentically.
Show up for your partner consistently in their love language.
Here are some ways to create STABILITY for yourself* (inspired by @womencanheal):
Check in with your self-esteem. Tap into your ability to love and appreciate yourself. Have the confidence to know your own worth and ability in your relationship.
Love yourself. Address your own needs and wants and take action to preserve your health.
Create boundaries. Make clear the space that belongs to you and you alone, the space that belongs to your partner, and how you meet each other with respect for your personal space.
Know yourself. Create a strong sense of identity and ability in your own truth, reality, and experience. Know that you can take in the reality of your partner without losing yourself.
Self-regulate. Respond instead of reacting. Remain in your adult ego state when confronted by stressors, rather than tapping into age-inappropriate reactivity.
* Please keep in mind that, while these stability themes are stated simply, they are often complex skills that require practice or support from mental health professionals before becoming integrated into your relationship.
Here are some ways you can build TRUST between each other (inspired by Brittini Carter, LMHC):
Say what you mean and mean what you say. When you give your word to something, be sure that your actions match your words. And if you change your mind, speak it.
Communicate your intentions clearly. Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader. Keep them informed of what you are thinking so that they don’t have to guess, make assumptions, or get caught off guard.
Admit your mistakes. Reliability and accountability are important in relationships. When you make a mistake, be accountable, ask how you can make it better, and commit to not making that particular mistake again.
Always tell the truth. Take a pause if you need to consider your thoughts or feelings before sharing. It’s better to tell the truth later, than to guess at the truth now and risk telling small lies.
We offer these activities, practices, and guidelines to you as professionals who have witnessed the transition period between engagement and marriage for so many couples. While it is a joyful time, it isn’t always easy as you build a foundation for marriage through deepening your bond, strengthening your communication, and making big decisions together. The practices you implement during this time period are crucial to a healthy, safe, and incredibly fun marriage. Let us know if you try any out!