Inviting people to your wedding can be… a struggle. You want to walk the tight-rope of balanced invites and make sure you aren’t leaving people out who might be offended, while sticking to a budget and creating a specific experience for all involved. It’s not an easy task for anyone, and the smaller your guest list is, the more curation you have to do.  We know it can be tricky to navigate these waters and we're here to help guide you through them with clarity and intention.

When I did my invite list, I did it quickly and didn’t make time to reflect. By the time I had sent out the save the dates, I was overwhelmed by our choices and felt a little stuck.

While I wouldn’t say the way we created our guest list was wrong, I would say I wish I had taken a more systematic approach so that I felt more confident in my decisions. I realized that I entered into it too rushed and too excited rather than with intention and purpose around what makes a gathering, especially such a ceremonious one, special. I ended up feeling insecure about it, rather than energized with anticipation.

This is not the way I want anyone to feel about their wedding invite list. In that light, we have created a guide to help you approach this huge task with purpose. The most important thing to remember while creating this list is that if something feels wrong, listen to your gut. Don’t ignore uncomfortable feelings. You don’t want those to carry on to the actual day! So, make sure you are in tune with your reactions to the process and communicate those as a couple. That way, you’ll be set up for success.

CREATING YOUR WEDDING INVITE LIST WITH INTENTION.

I want to acknowledge that my first instinct is to say do whatever you want, but we all know that weddings aren’t always that easy. The guest list is usually the place where the most drama occurs. Your mom may want to invite all of her sisters, but you’ve only met two of them in your adult life. One of you may want to invite all of your college swim team, but the other may dislike quite a few of those people. You may need to also balance the desires of people contributing to your wedding budget. Creating a guest list is about intentions, boundaries, love, and joy. You will probably have to ask yourself hard questions, especially if you want to keep your gathering smaller.

Make sure that before you begin, you explore what you want your celebration to look like and what your celebration values are. Defining the vibe of your wedding day is key to understanding who you foresee being there. 

First, choose how many people you want to be present. Come up with a number based on your celebration values.

See if it works within your budget to create the type of celebration you want. I would then create a hard, maximum number based on your budget, but aim for a softer, lower number as you are making your list. Most invite lists go up over time, so giving yourself a little wiggle room will be comforting as the date gets closer.

Once you have established a goal in line with the type of celebration values you want and your budget, you can start adding names.

Start with the must-invites, or the A List. They are the people in your life that you hold near and dear. Whether that is family, your college roommates, your childhood best friend, or an aunt who is just the best person you have ever met, choose the people that mean the most to you first. They go at the top. They are automatically on the list! Sometimes this is where people’s guest list ends. That’s great! You’re done! If not, keep reading. This is where terrain gets rockier and we start making some trickier decisions.

Next, work on your would-love-to-invites, or the B List. This is a list of your wider circle of friends, close extended family, and other family friends that are important to you. They don’t have to be there, but it would be really nice if they were! When you complete this list, count up how many people you have in your A and B List combined. Feel free to star people in the B List that feel like they are almost halfway between A and B so that you can prioritize those people. Have a conversation about where you are so far and how many invites you have left. Should you move on to considering others, or leave it here?

If you are ready to bring on the C List, think about the people you enjoy that are in your life today and people that have been in your life in the past, or the would-like-to-invites. These are close co-workers, lunch buddies, old friends, and plus-ones you don’t know well. They are the people that populate your life, make it fun as you do everyday tasks, but that aren’t crucial to your life. They will be invited if budget allows or if others can’t make it (maybe in that second round of invites?). Again, star the ones that feel more important than the others (like your work-bestie) so that, if you are able to revisit this list later, you know who you would like to prioritize being there.

Next, if you have family members that you feel need to be present that aren’t close to you, write them down. Remember to write down symbolic invites that are on your parents’ behalf. Call them the should-invites and put them on the D List. Don’t tell them they are on this list. This portion is for all those people you feel obligated to invite, but don’t necessarily want to. This is usually the portion of the list that causes the most drama. Acknowledging that they would be invited out of obligation instead of with warmth is important to understanding what it will feel like if they do come. Keeping the peace is a perfectly reasonable purpose to invite someone because, trust me, families have a life of their own. But if you are going to have a small or more intimate celebration, these are some of the people you will have to have hard conversations about with family members in order to keep your guest list within your goal and full of people that bring you joy.

Now, I like to add an extra layer to make sure that both parties in a couple are able to prioritize the people that are most important to them.

The A List is basically set, so go through the B List with a highlighter and take turns highlighting people to add them to the official invitation list. Remember that some close friends or family members will have plus-ones that you won’t have thought to write down or perhaps don’t know. Consider whether or not you want to include them and add them to the total. Then, repeat the process with the C List. When you hit your guest count goal, pause and look at who hasn’t been included.

At this point, I would take a few days to reflect on how you feel about the guest list in its current state. Schedule time together a couple days or week to return to it, review it, and talk about anything you might want to change. As you finalize decisions, Marie Kondo it and ask if those decisions bring you joy.

ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES.

Let’s talk about boundaries real quick. Many couples struggle with financial boundaries and boundaries between themselves and the influence of financial stakeholders. It’s important to respect the goals you have so that you don’t make your wedding a source of stress. It’s also important to acknowledge the influence financial stakeholders, like parents or other family members, have on your guest list. Sometimes, they have their own vision of who will be invited. We encourage you to stick to your guns and get creative in how you can create the type of celebration you want. You may find that while creating your celebration, some boundaries are important while others are not. Here are some ideas to keep in mind as you go through your process.

With Yourself + Inquiring Minds

1. Notice where your optimal headcount cuts off while creating your guest list. You can, of course, keep adding names and then prioritize who goes above the mark after, but give yourself time to pause and consider where you are in the process. You want to honor the goals you have set for yourself. Don’t be afraid to share your intentions with others who inquire about the status or size of the list.

2. Reflect on how the dynamic of the party might change if you bump up your list to the next headcount tier or stay with your initial goal.

3. Assess whether it is financially viable to do so.

With Financial Stakeholders

1. When beginning the planning process, make transparent what your goals are around event size, headcount, and the atmosphere you want to conjure with any family members that might be contributing to your budget. Be clear with them about how increasing the headcount past your goal would mean an increase in budget. It might also lessen the quality of the type of gathering you want. If you feel that your headcount boundary and the intentional size of your gathering should be respected, then stand for that boundary!

2. If you feel like there is a middle ground and that the constraint is finances rather than atmosphere, be transparent about that. The stakeholder can decide if they want to invest accordingly to have those extra people present.

FINAL THOUGHTS.

Guest list curation is not easy. And the work isn’t done after you send out the invites. If you’re like me, you are a nice person who wants to include everyone and isn’t very good about saying no. If you’re not like me, this process is probably a lot easier for you! So what happens when months go down the line, and you find yourself, a very friendly couple, extending invites to people you are reconnecting with or new friends you are making, and totally running up against the boundaries you have made for yourself? Take a deep breath.

Look at your list of guests who have RSVP’d no, or have told you they are going to do so. See if these new invites can fit in there. Look at what your wedding currently costs per guest, where are you if you invite a couple more folks? See where your invites are compared to the hard maximum, have you hit it yet? And, communicate with your partner. That’s the most important one of all. We are human and mistakes happen; giving yourself some buffer room at the beginning of the process makes space for your brother’s surprise engagement to a total stranger or you tipsily and enthusiastically inviting a new friend while at the bar.

We hope that this process can help ground you in making intentional decisions about who ends up on your wedding invite list. When the list starts to get overwhelming, remember that you can approach it in a way that feels purposeful and poignant. Everyone will have their own celebration values, ideas about setting and space, and the type of community they want to build; fill in your vision with people that will bring it life.

— Kelleen, Tapestry Blogger