Modern Wedding Planning Advice for the Contemporary Couple

As wedding planners with over 10 years of experience in event coordination, we’ve loved watching the wedding industry shift, adapt, and transform over the past few years—especially since that, you know, worldwide pandemic completely turned the industry on its head. It was surely a rollercoaster of a time to be alive, but it may have been just what this fairly outdated industry needed. We’ve seen so many couples now explore what it could look like to have a wedding day that caters to their unique relationship, rather than to the generic, copy and paste traditions the wedding industry has deemed the “correct” way to do things. If you and your partner want to create an event that allows you to be truly seen and celebrated by the people you love, instead of one focused around aesthetics and old-fashioned expectations, then this blog is for you! We hope you resonate with these 8 pieces of modern wedding planning advice that we have for contemporary couples who are ready to do things their own way.

1. Cancel the gender binary

One of the most (if not the most) prevalent examples of outdated traditions in the wedding industry: the damn gender binary that seems to be present at every freaking turn. In wedding magazines. On vendor websites. Even in the names of getting ready rooms at venues (a.k.a. the “bride” and “groom’s” suites). Its presence constantly reinforces the idea that there is one of two ways to be, and that anything outside of those two options (read: Queer) is wrong. The binary impacts straight and cis-gendered folks, too. It defines “traditional society” and limits our capacity to be the truest version of ourselves—every last one of us.

Here are some places you may run into the gender binary in the wedding industry, as well as ways you can help break down that binary through the process of planning your own celebration:

“Bride” and “groom”

Probably the most obvious way that the gender binary is used throughout the entire wedding industry. If you don’t identify as a traditional “bride” or “groom,” hearing vendors use only these terms may make you feel like an outsider, or like you don’t belong. You might also feel weird calling your significant other a “bride” or “groom” if that title doesn’t resonate with them, so we suggest replacing these heteronormative terms with gender-neutral terms like “partner” or “spouse”! Being aware of this type of binary language as you search for vendors, can help ensure you hire vendors who align with your values and will make you feel loved, welcomed, and seen for who you truly are. We also love it when vendors provide couples with an opportunity to self-select their pronouns—one place you might see this during your vendor search is in the inquiry forms you fill out.

“Bridesmaids” and “groomsmen”

Why are female-identifying folks limited to having other female-identifying folks by their side? And why are male-identifying folks limited to having other male-identifying folks by theirs? Seeing terms like “bridesmaids” and “groomsmen” used not only limits who you, as a couple, may feel like you’re “allowed” to have stand by your side on your wedding day, but may also make you feel alienated if you don’t identify as a “bride” or a “groom.” Instead, you can call your chosen group of friends/family members your “wedding party!”

“Bridal suite” and “groom’s suite”

One of our biggest pet peeves is when venues include the words “bride” or “groom” in the names of their getting ready rooms. It’s completely unnecessary, and only serves to restrict who feels like they are welcome in those rooms. We always do our best to recommend venues that are intentional with their language and who make purposeful strides toward breaking the gender binary to ensure our couples feel completely comfortable, and wholeheartedly welcomed, as they get ready for their special day!

“Dresses” and “suits”

This one is a bit trickier, because it has to do a lot with societal gender norms and expectations as a whole—even outside of the wedding industry. But by replacing words like “dress” or “suit” with neutral terms like “outfit” or “attire,” you can remove assumptions and judgements about someone’s self-expression. This will free up so much space for you, as a person getting married, to truly pick an outfit based on your own unique taste, style, and preferences, rather than trying to fit within the box that the wedding industry has created for you. We love seeing folks get creative with their attire, whether they choose to wear a dress, a jumpsuit, a blazer, a tuxedo, or any other variation of what makes them feel like their most authentic selves!

Even just by being aware of these places where the gender binary might pop up as you plan your wedding, you can be so much more mindful about the vendors you hire, the language you use, and the way you choose to express yourself as a person getting married. You can also help break down these barriers in the bigger picture by using gender-neutral terms + intentional language when attending the weddings of your friends or family members!

2. Know the difference between vendors and friendors

Our next piece of modern wedding advice has to do with the vendors you hire; specifically, why we believe in the concept of “friendors,” and why we encourage you to build relationships with your vendors that transcend transactional. We’ll also guide you through how to know who to trust with that kind of relationship and how to keep an eye out for bad apples along the way.

If you’ve already begun your vendor search. . . have you found any relationships that are just like peanut butter and jelly? That just feels meant to be? Where that “click” factor was instantly there, and you knew this person had to be a part of your vendor squad?

And if you haven’t started your search quite yet. . . doesn’t that sound pretty dang awesome?

One of the most beautiful parts of this industry is that it is rich with big-hearted, genuine, love-loving small business owners who are genuinely here because we love what we do, and we’re obsessed with the couples we work with. It is magical, truly. These vendors balance professional services with a personal touch; are event execution badasses who are creatively generous; are here to offer their hard work and talent astride their passion.

The work we do in this industry is so personal and we firmly believe that a personal touch enhances your experience as a couple getting married. That is why couples like you experience a “click factor” with your wedding vendors—because we get you, we see what you want to create, and we believe in and support your vision wholeheartedly.

Watching out for bad apples

But like any industry, there can be bad apples. . . and they can show up in a number of different ways. Here are a few stand-outs that we’ve personally seen over the years:

The vendor with a beautiful, branded sales process and a great personality who, after booking, drops off the map until a month before your wedding without warning
The one-page-contract vendor who sends you waves of emails after booking with changes to their offering or policies, putting you on a hamster wheel of adjustments to the original agreement.
The backseat vendor who, instead of offering clear steps on what to expect out of their offering, specialty, and leadership, plays a reactive role and only responds to your communication when prompted

Balancing personal + professional

When hiring your vendors, it’s important to strike the right balance between a personal and professional relationship. Doing so is a special thing that takes cultivation and careful intention. Our biggest piece of advice? Remember that a personal touch cannot come at the cost of professional execution. Your wedding vendors must be able to execute on their promises to you first and foremost, and after ensuring their performance, then they can open up the floodgates to personally investing in your relationship.

Here are some early indicators from a vendor that could open up the relationship of a friendor:

Their contract is thorough and clear. They define their services, their relationship with you as a professional, your participating in the working relationship, and contingencies for the unexpected.

Their explanation of your working relationship is consistent between their website, your consultation, and their onboarding documentation.

They invest in their relationship with you—through means like time, communication, or personalization—while maintaining joy in their work and work-life balance.

Now one last, important caveat before we move on from this: not all vendor relationships are meant to become friendor relationships. Sometimes the nature of the relationship just doesn’t lend itself to going deeper. And sometimes a vendor can execute on their professional promises, but is also balancing a larger load of personal challenges, zapping their ability to offer more.

Don’t make yourself feel wrong if a friendor relationship just isn’t available; it’s fully up to you to decide how you want to interact with your vendors. Above all else, trust your gut and listen to your intuition when hiring anyone!

3. Ditch the wedding party

Yep, you heard us right: ditch the wedding party. Why? Because we often see wedding parties do more harm than good these days. Couples typically feel obligated to invite certain people to be part of the wedding party (and to decide who to leave out), provide experiences and gifts that may add stress and costs to the planning experience, and make more space for their wedding party than they do for themselves.

It has become increasingly common that the distinction of a wedding party comes with expectations and prescriptions that just don’t fit the modern couple and their modern relationships. We think it’s about time we trade in the traditional crutch of a wedding party for something more personal and meaningful.

Now, this doesn’t mean:

You can’t invite your favorite people to party in the name of your love

You can’t welcome the people you adore to get ready with you the morning of your celebration

You can’t plan to acknowledge the main characters in your life in a special way

It DOES mean:

You get to define what kind of celebrations you want to host in the lead-up to your marriage (and aren’t defined by the traditional “bachelor/bachelorette” parties)

You get to choose who to invite and involve in different aspects of your wedding, and you get to match their energy to what you might need in the moment

You get to prioritize yourselves as a couple, and can ask the people you love for support, guidance, and care when you need it

You get to share and receive love in a language that means something to each individual, rather than prescribing certain expectations of gifts or material things in the name of “love”

There are plenty of ways to ditch the traditional wedding party but still involve your favorite people in your day, one of our favorites being replacing the typical bachelor and bachelorette parties with a weekend retreat, or a fancy night out. These parties come with all sorts of expectations, and on a more practical note, can end up adding a LOT of costs to both you as the couple as well as your guests. Not only are you expected to provide a group of humans with food, drinks, and entertainment on your wedding day, but also in a totally separate party leading up to it? No, thanks—you may want to start thinking about other options instead! We love the idea of booking out a cozy cabin or lodge for a weekend of fun with your loved ones, or simply making a reservation for the group at your favorite restaurant.

Another way to change up traditional wedding party expectations is to replace long, regimented beauty schedules with calm, laid-back rituals the morning of your wedding—like a massage, or a slow morning sipping mimosas with your best friends as you lounge around and chat, rather than rushing to get ready for the day. Use the morning of your wedding to be really present with the people you love, and to take in the emotions of the day, rather than feeling like you need to check every box on a checklist in time for the ceremony.

Finally, instead of having a stacked processional with 5-10 people next to each of you at the altar, you could save the first few rows of your ceremony seating for your cheerleading squad and their dates. This way, nobody has to awkwardly stand by your side for the duration of the ceremony, and you can actually see your group when you look out at your audience, rather than having to completely turn around just to see their faces!

**4. F*ck the patriarchy**

This one may ruffle some feathers, but hey—we never promised to appeal to everyone, now, did we? We know that “patriarchy” is a bit of a buzzword, and more than likely gave you some type of reaction the moment you read it; whether that reaction felt like avoidance, empowerment, anger, or anything in between. We also know that this is a huge topic that we could not possibly cover in this one tiny section of a blog post, and we are so passionate about it that we actually went ahead and wrote an entirely separate blog devoted to Marriage + The Patriarchy. For that reason we’ll keep this one fairly brief, and encourage you to head over to that article if you find that this is a thought-provoking topic you’d like to think more consciously about as you dive into wedding planning!

Disclaimer: we also want to acknowledge that not all couples are composed of a cisgender woman and a cisgender man; this will be more geared toward cis couples, due to the power dynamic that traditionally lies in masculine and feminine pairings.

We’ll be real with you: the wedding industry is patriarchal to its core. In the context of marriage culture, brides are often expected and told to “thrive” in their submission as women, allowing the man to lead and be the hero while she sits back and waits to be saved. Hello, old-school Disney movie “prince & princess” narratives!

To begin flipping that tired (more like exhausted) script, couples must look at their wedding through a new lens, and with a much greater amount of intention—starting with ensuring roles are balanced throughout the planning process. It’s traditionally thought that wedding planning is for the bride, and that she gets to make all the decisions! After all, happy wife, happy life, right? Well, right. . . but a happy groom should be included in there, too. If you are a bride wanting to take a more modern approach to planning your wedding, invite your partner to participate in the process, and let him know that you want this to be a shared experience you get to move through together! Encourage him to give his input, to share his ideas, and to collaborate, rather than just sit back and let you take the lead. This will ensure that you both have a say in your day (after all, it is both of your day), and that your event is reflective of not just one, but the two of you together.

We wrote a whole lot more on this subject over in our Marriage + The Patriarchy blog, including guidance on how to be a loving groom ready to participate in your own reprogramming alongside your partner!

5. Don’t hire your friends + family

We’re sure your loved ones are very capable and highly talented, but that doesn’t mean they should be replacements for vendors you’re unwilling/unable to pay for. From our perspective, if friends and family don’t have a professional business license, experience in the field, and the confidence to carry out what you want, then you should NOT hire them for your wedding.

Good intentions simply aren’t enough when it comes to wedding days. We’ve seen time and time again couples who arrange for friends or family to do a professional’s job, only to hear them say afterwards that they wish they had hired an expert for the job. It’s not that your loved ones don’t have the best intentions when volunteering to help—in fact, they probably do! They care about you and they want to help make your day incredible. But a job is a job, and on a wedding day, you need someone who is going to deliver results—without you having to worry about hurting Aunt Amy’s feelings if you’re just not vibing with the flowers she arranged.

Remember that you get what you pay for: if your friends or family haven’t done a job before, they are very unlikely to be prepared for any unexpected scenarios or challenges that may come up day-of, and they wouldn’t be able to confidently solve issues as they arise. If they’re hooking you up with a deal, chances are they’re running a lean crew without backup, and that it may just be too good to be true. And if there’s no contract or business license, then there’s nothing in place to hold folks accountable for performance.

YOU, as the couple, should also not have to have the responsibility of managing your loved ones. All you should be worrying about is where your next glass of champagne is coming from! If you choose to put a friend or family member in charge of something, all of the concerns will end up falling on your shoulders—and trust us, the last thing you want on your wedding day is to have to mitigate a loved one’s failure to perform. There are just too many feelings involved on all sides of the equation, and it’s possible that any conflicts/problems on the wedding day could have a real impact on your relationship with these people in the future.

Leave the work of your wedding day to a professional with the tools, time, and experience to get the job done—and create space for your loved ones to fully enjoy the experience of your wedding day alongside you!

6. Incorporate land acknowledgements into your ceremony

This is one of our favorites! As a team of Pacific Northwesterners and white women, we were raised in local cities and towns, most of which were named after Indigenous peoples and nations that we were not a part of. We recognize the importance of acknowledging the Indigenous people and practices that have led us to where we are today, and that have protected the beautiful land we get to call home, especially here in the PNW. If you feel deeply connected to the place you’re choosing to get married in, and want to recognize the legacy of the Indigenous stewards of the land you’ll be holding your wedding on, we’d love to invite you to consider invoking land acknowledgments during your ceremony. This can be a beautiful way to not only understand a new and historical layer of why the land calls to you the way it does, but also to gain a sense of appreciation and gratitude for the ability you have to use it for your special day.

If you’re unfamiliar with what a land acknowledgment is, it is when you publicly recognize the stewards of the land you are on as a way to honor Indigenous peoples, and avoid erasure of their histories through naming them. They are most commonly practiced in Tribal Nations here in the United States, as well as in settler communities in places like Canada, New Zealand, and Australia.

Land acknowledgments can take multiple forms: oral, written, and practice. In the case of weddings, an oral land acknowledgment would likely be offered at the beginning of a wedding ceremony by the ceremony leader, whereas a written acknowledgement may be included on informational pieces such as event signage, ceremony programs, or during activities. Certain traditions and practices may be performed to honor the land as part of a gathering, but should be heavily researched in partnership with Native leaders and should only be done by or with permission by those cultural authorities.

To learn more about what land acknowledgments are, why you should consider including one inr your wedding ceremony, and practical ways to do so, head over to our article about Land Acknowledgements in Ceremonies!

7. Tip your vendors

By far one of the most common questions we get from couples, as wedding planners: “Should we tip our vendors?” Unfortunately there’s not a very clear, black and white answer, so we always do our best to share with couples what is appropriate and how they can incorporate tips into their wedding budget.

The first thing you need to know is that tipping is NOT expected. As small business owners, it is our responsibility to make sure that the prices we charge for our services are in alignment with the wages we need to bring home at the end of the day, and those prices should be set BEFORE tips are accounted for. We know that tipping culture here in the U.S. can be quite a hot topic, but you can take comfort in knowing that there is no industry-wide expectation that you are “failing” if you cannot tip all of your vendors. To us, a tip is just a little extra cherry on top of the investment you’re already making into the service we provide you with; an extra thank-you to support the people showing up and making your day happen.

A good general rule of thumb to follow if you DO want to tip your vendors: prioritize tipping people, not things. By this, we mean tipping your vendors that provide services rather than products; for example, your photographer versus the wedding attire shop you bought your outfit from. The higher amount of services a vendor provides in comparison to products, the more human hours they’re investing into bringing your dream day to life, and if you feel inclined to tip, then those human hours are the things you want to tip on!

If you’ve decided that you want to tip certain vendors and are trying to calculate how much to give, we recommend tipping on local market rates. Now, we don’t necessarily mean the local tax rate—if you were tipping every vendor a baseline of 20% for your Seattle wedding, that would rack up QUICKLY and you may be tipping certain vendors thousands of dollars. Don’t be afraid to ask your planner or another one of your vendors what is customary in the area!

If you’d like to learn more about how to tip your vendors + see a list of industry standard numbers for tipping, pop over to another one of our blog posts: Should You Tip Your Wedding Vendors?

And a quick reminder that tipping is more about an energetic exchange than it is about monetary value; if you find your tips adding up quickly to more than you can afford, you can absolutely find other ways to thank your vendors to let them know how appreciative you are of their time, energy, and talent! This could look like a meaningful gift, or a thoughtful review/testimonial for their business. Don’t feel like, if you can’t express your thanks with a generous monetary gift, that means you can’t do it at all.

8. Encourage connection + interaction

Ever attended a wedding where the reception didn’t have much going on, and once you ate dinner, you felt a little. . . bored? Unsure of what you were supposed to be doing? I’m sure we’ve all been there, in those awkward moments between dinner and the moment the dance floor opens up—so it’s time to say goodbye to receptions that fall flat, and hello to receptions abounding with connection, interaction, and movement.By movement, we don’t mean you need to be incorporating exercise into your reception (though we’ve certainly pulled that off in the past); no, we mean including at least a few activities or excuses for your guests to get up throughout the evening! An unforgettable reception should not only create beautiful memories for the couple, but also an incredible experience for their guests that’ll have them dying to stay just a little bit longer once the night comes to an end.

Instead of having a large chunk of empty space in your timeline between dinner and the main events of the evening (e.g. first dances, speeches, etc.), find meaningful ways for your guests to interact with both each other and their surroundings. This could be as traditional as having a game of cornhole out on the lawn, setting up a photobooth with props, including conversation prompts in your event design, or inviting everyone to sign a guest book at some point in the evening, or it could be as unique as a late-night snack buffet, developing scavenger hunts or game-ifying your festivities, s’mores by the fire once the sun sets, or a make-your-own-cocktail station. Get creative with it and think about what would make YOU want to stay until the end of the night if you were a guest, having the time of your lives surrounded by all the people you love!

And that’s all for this one, folks; if you’re vibing with our modern wedding planning advice (especially some of our more controversial takes), there’s a good chance we might be two aligned pieces to the puzzle of your wedding day. If you’re ready to have professional guides by your side to create a celebration full of authenticity, connection, and meaning, take a look at what we have to offer, and apply to work with us here.

If you’d rather take a more DIY approach but still want an expert in your corner, book a Wedding Planning Power Hour with us—we can’t wait to meet you and help you step into wedding planning with the right strategy in hand!

For more in-depth wedding resources like this, browse the Tapestry Blog—or visit a few of our personal favorites below.

Wedding Planning + Boundary Setting

What To Look For In Your Wedding Vendors

What Hosts Pay for + What Guests Pay for in a Weekend-Long Wedding