How to Get Present Before Important Conversations
Have you ever had a conversation with your partner where you felt like you were entering from two different worlds? Maybe it was a planned discussion after a long day of work, and you both brought in disparate mindsets or energy levels. Maybe it was a spontaneous discussion on a long car ride where one of you had been cooking on a thought for a while, while the other person was hearing and considering it for the first time.
Relatable? Chances are, if you are in a long-term, committed relationship, you’ve run into these wonky conversations before. These are conversations where nothing is inherently off-kilter, but you still can’t quite seem to get on the same page together. It may be hard to connect or difficult to comprehend what the other is saying, but at the end of the day, both parties leave feeling unheard and wondering: how did we get here?
We have been there and will probably be there again, as relationships have a tendency to put two people in close proximity to one another for a number of shared experiences, negative, positive, and neutral (darn…). Layer in getting engaged and planning a marriage together, and you may experience even more of this phenomena. Your conversations may start to shift. You may be introducing certain kinds of shared responsibilities for the first time: planning a wedding or elopement, combining and managing budgets, making space for family traditions and shared family time, the list goes on… These are important conversations and, if you don’t take time to get on the same page about them, incomplete or tense conversations around these subject matters may have a ripple effect that reaches into your marriage.
How does getting present help you get through these moments? Getting present creates a shared space where you can deliver your truth, and receive the truth of others, as it is intended. It’s a safe space that allows you to speak from unfiltered truth and good intention, while listening with curiosity and kindness. These shared spaces can happen naturally, but more often than not take intentional work and preparation to create.
How do you and your partner get present before having important conversations? Pause and consider how you are being intentional about setting the conversation up for success, for you and your partner. When you launch the conversation from the same energetic space, you can land the conversation in shared understanding. Whether you’re planning a wedding, buying a house, family planning, or taking on any number of important conversations together, we want you to be set up for success in your marriage and your partnership.
Want to learn more about how that works? Read on!
CONVERSATION PRE-WORK.
Before starting an important conversation with your partner, we recommend giving them a sneak preview of what is to come. When the two of you are in shared space and open conversation — perhaps at the dinner table — you can introduce a new idea by saying, “I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘X’ and would love to share some thoughts and ideas with you. Would you be open to doing that this weekend when we are ‘Y-ing’ together?” You are asking for consideration and giving your partner space. That gives your partner a chance to opt into the conversation and prepare their thoughts and reflections in an intentional way, better setting the whole conversation up for success.
You may also introduce the conversation by sharing, “I have been having some thoughts/feelings about ‘X’ and would like to have a conversation. My intention for the conversation is to ‘Y’. When is a good time to do that together?” Starting your conversation by stating your intention ensures your partner is clear about the purpose and allows them to meet you in a shared sense of purpose when the conversation begins. The more specific, the better. Some examples might be:
My intention for our conversation is to discuss what we value about our wedding meal and create a vision and budget for that meal together.
My intention for our conversation is to check in on the planning process. I want to hear how you are feeling about planning and the decisions being made, and I’d like to share my experience with you, too.
My intention for our conversation is to decide on a head count for our event. I want to make sure that we are inviting a group of people that aligns with our intention and our budget.
CONVERSATION LAUNCH.
While “the science” behind breathwork is incredibly sparse, the impact of intentional breathing on our parasympathetic nervous system and immediate sense of wellness is undeniable. One of our favorite ways to launch any conversation, be it a team meeting, a class discussion, a training, or a deep dive into an emotional topic with our partner, is with breathwork. The goal of breathwork therapy is to support people in achieving a greater sense of self-awareness and capacity for self-healing. We think it’s safe to say that we could all benefit from a deepened sense of self-awareness and self-healing when starting any important conversation.
Breathwork is something that you can do with your partner, which can be a powerful and opening experience, or something you can do on your own before entering an intentionally set conversation. Different kinds of breathing create different sensations. Below are three of the most helpful and approachable breathwork practices we’ve identified to help launch a conversation with your partner.
Alternate nostril breathing / Clearing
Use this breath to lower any existing stress or anxiety and “turn the page” from what came before in your day to focus on the conversation you are launching. We like this breathing technique when you’re moving quickly from the day’s activities into your conversation, or for when you’re having a conversation at the end of the day.
In Right, Out Left, In Left, Out Right, Repeat six to eight times
Square breathing / Calming
Use this breath to reduce anxiety and kick your parasympathetic nervous system from fight, flight, or freeze into calm. We like this breathing technique when you have lots of roadblocks and fears around starting a conversation, or for when you’ve reached an impasse in the conversation, take a break, and need to bring your heart rate back down.
Inhale for four seconds, Hold for four seconds, Exhale for four seconds, Hold for four seconds, Repeat eight to ten times, Option to increase the count
Eighty percent in-and-out breathing / Powerful + awakening
Use this breath to get your energy moving and create momentum behind your conversation. We like this breath for bringing your energy up for a conversation after a day of work or for getting yourself excited to talk about more mundane or drawn out concepts.
Breath in through your nose to eighty percent lung capacity, Quickly breath out through your mouth, Repeat for two minutes, Then follow up with slow deep breaths for six counts
As you launch the conversation, don’t forget to restate your intention and ask your partner for theirs. Keep those intentions in mind as you move through the conversation together. If other things come up that distract from your intentions, verbally put a pin in those and commit to revisiting them later. That will allow you and your partner to best fulfill your original intentions together.
As you dig into the conversation, know that running into bumps in the road doesn’t mean you’re “doing it wrong”. Rather, it means that each of you has traveled into a slightly different space in the conversation and may no longer be able to fulfill the original intention(s), speak truth, listen openly, or stay present due to outside distractions. That’s okay. Remember that you can always pause a conversation, acknowledge what isn’t working, and reset or take a break.
Photos courtesy of Beginning and End Photography.
CONVERSATION LAND.
When you’ve had what feels like a complete conversation with your partner, check in. Ask them if there is anything else they’d like to share. Repeat back your understanding of their perspective with phrases like, “What I am hearing is… Is that correct?” If there are decisions to be made, or an intention to be fulfilled in, check back in with those pieces. Acknowledge where you have fulfilled your goals and intentions and point to what still needs some work. Decide together whether you want to continue doing that work with further conversation, or set another date and time to continue the discussion. FInally, ask your partner how they feel the conversation went. Hold space for their feelings outside of the conversational objective as their ultimate partner in marriage.
Whew, that was some relationship heavy-lifting y’all. We hope that the formula for conversation pre-work, launch, and land enables you to be present and truthful with your partner through a number of impactful conversations. If you feel called to share any of your experiences, we would love to hear from you in the comment box below and build community around conscious conversations!
— Kate, Creative Director of Tapestry Event Co.