How to Hold Space for Yourself in a Hosting-Focused Wedding
Whether you are inviting folks from out of town to come revel in your home city, or traveling together to a destination celebration, you may feel an element of responsibility for people to enjoy their whole trip. A wedding is not always a single day experience; it can encompass how the guests are hosted from the moment wheels land to the moment they take off for home. If you’re feeling any pressure brought on by your decision to host out-of-state guests for an extended weekend, here are some best practices you can take on as a host to help ease up on the intensity and trade it in for enjoyment and connection.
DELEGATE.
You and your partner (and your planner) may be strictly in charge of figuring out the wedding portion of the weekend and that is a REALLY BIG JOB. Don’t over-commit by hosting tertiary events for friends and family surrounding the big event. If you do, you may not have the energy to enjoy your wedding day nor the ability to be present with your loved ones when your attention has been split between so many different details. Instead, we empower you to delegate! Start with family first, then expand out to your bridal party or dear friends. Ask if they would be interested in hosting events surrounding the wedding where people from different parts of your community can gather and get to know each other. Dinners are traditionally the most cozy idea for hosting (Friday welcome dinner, followed by a Saturday wedding, then a Sunday brunch send-off). Depending on your location, dinner can be hosted at the retreat site, a local restaurant, a rented venue space, or locally at a home.
Local activities can also be an option. We love seeing people bond in nature on private sailing tours, horseback rides, hikes, fun runs, and beach picnics. If you have a pair of people in charge of each smaller event, it makes the weekend much more enjoyable for all, especially you and your partner.
SCHEDULE BUFFER TIME.
We cannot say it enough: Do not over-schedule yourself!
You will have requests coming in many forms. Lots of your guests may not have seen you in a long time. You may feel obligated to spend 1:1 time with as many people as possible for having traveled to your event. Please remember: This weekend is not your typical friend or family visit. You are not obligated to spend an hour with each guest. In fact, it would probably be impossible to do so. Remember that it is your responsibility to provide activities to participate in and inroads to conversation between guests in order to host successfully. If you are committed to too many activities during your wedding weekend, you won’t have time to connect with your guests, even broadly. So be mindful of the number of things you commit to in a single day.
We recommend one activity and one meal per day on the days surrounding your wedding to interact with your guests and unite the group. Keep in mind that the rest of your day consists of other meals, personally preparing yourself for your wedding, and spending quality time with each other. The unscheduled time between your activity and your meal will certainly be filled, even if it isn’t formally scheduled. Some couples take the entire week off before their wedding to stay balanced and host their guests. We’ve observed that to be very successful as far as balancing your energy. If you can only take an extra day or two off prior to your wedding, it’s even more important to plan buffer time into your schedule so you can cut out any needless sources of time-related stress.
DRAW BOUNDARIES.
Before guests arrive in town, decide with your partner what boundaries you are going to create around your time and your space. Agree on them together, otherwise you may find that boundaries are not observed or hard to remember once the excitement of guests arriving takes over.
First, decide on boundaries around your time:
When is it important to have quality time, just you and your partner, throughout the weekend? Make that a non-negotiable.
When are you open to sharing unscheduled time with friends and family?
Where does that happen? Is it shared time, or time spent independent of each other, or both?
The more specific you can be, the better you will set expectations, the less you have to negotiate these nuances live during the weekend, and the less likely it is to experience stress or anxiety as a result.
Second, decide on boundaries around your space:
Do you want to keep your personal space sacred?
Whether you are based at home or in a cabin in the woods, your space is your space. We recommend keeping it sacred, a.k.a. no one stays there during the weekend, no events are hosted there, and no one can turn up there uninvited. You need your personal space to be a low-pressure environment. You may have last minute details you’re preparing in the living room. You may need a quiet location to transcribe your vows into a vow book. You may have a pile of outfit options for the weekend at the foot of your bed. Do you really want to worry about guests coming over on top of all that? The answer, my friend, is “No”. Rather than stressing about dishes in the sink and the presentation of your home, make it a place of refuge for you and your partner to do what you need to do in order to show up bright and energetic for the scheduled events of the weekend.
Pro tip:
Be mindful that, once you start inviting people to your home or personal space, it can be a snowball rolling downhill (read: some guests beget more guests -- they just want all the time they can get!). Once your personal space is made public, it’s hard to walk that expectation back. Be very specific and private with your invitations into your space so that a party doesn’t unexpectedly evolve out of a passing invite to “hang out.”
COMMUNICATE + EMPOWER.
What was the world like before wedding websites? We honestly don’t know and we would prefer not to think about it. ;) Wedding websites have revolutionized the experience of weekend wedding hosts. Rather than relaying the information to your guests in the somewhat limited format of an invitation, you can display so much more on a wedding website. For less than $100 for the year, your event gets its own landing page online that guests can refer to anytime to plan their accommodations, travel successfully, read about and participate in tertiary events, and schedule the remaining free time for themselves. The more you leverage this tool, the more successfully you will contribute to hosting all of your guests for their entire visit. The more information you share,the more efficiently you will have invested your energy in that effort.
What are the key elements to include on a destination wedding website? List accommodation options and travel related to getting there and, if possible, include a variety of options to allow for different styles of travel. Talk about local activities and eateries so that guests who love experiences can make good use of their free time. Be clear about when and where scheduled group activities will happen and the transportation options to get there.
Want a step-by-step guide on filling out your wedding website?
Photos courtesy of Sullivan and Sullivan Studios.
EAT + SLEEP WELL.
In all the excitement, do not forget to nourish yourself. It’s easy to get caught up in the cascade of conversation amongst your guests and not have an opportunity to actually put sustenance in your face. It’s also easy to stretch yourself into some late nights after dinner parties or early ups for a brunch with your girlfriends and not get the sleep you need to feel like yourself. Here are some tips to help you manage your body’s necessities with your guests’ enthusiasm:
Squirrel away from the crowd for 15 or 20 minutes during meals to ensure you actually enjoy the food. If you sit at an open and available table, you will be approached and you will not get to eat. Finding a quiet corner, or a separate space all together, is key.
Give yourself a cut-off time for leaving events (and a smooth exit plan) to guarantee that you get the sleep you require. This is a boundary that is best to agree on in advance of guests arriving in town, and that is best to uphold together as a couple. That said, if there needs to be flexibility to allow for more or less energy, simply make sure you communicate clearly with one another about those adjustments.
You get bonus points if you proactively schedule opportunities for self-care into the experience, like a spa day or massage the day before your wedding, or a private yoga or meditation session with your near and dear the morning of your wedding.
While it can be challenging to block out time for “selfish” activities, we promise you will be better for it and not regret a second invested.
— Kate, Tapestry Creative Director