The Engaged Couple's Roadmap
First of all: HAIL YES YOU’RE ENGAGED! I am so happy for you and hope you’ve taken some time prior to the planning process to sit in your “in love-ness” and enjoy it. Deciding to marry — especially in an age where the social, societal, and legal incentives and expectations to do so are at their lowest in history — is a big deal. It means that the two of you love each other so much that you want to declare a new family and culture of love. Now that you’re engaged, you may be coming across a lot of thoughts and opinions about how this day “should” go. We’re here to help you drop the “should” early on and establish your True North from day one of your planning process. So sit, revel, and when you’re ready, dive headlong into this article to help get you started!
STEP 1: SIT + TALK ABOUT YOUR VALUES AS A COUPLE + A FAMILY.
This is probably my favorite and the most important exercise you can do as a couple. Grab a beautiful piece of poster paper, a designated chalkboard or whiteboard, or some other physical surface that you can set aside to display this exercise in the place where you will do most of your wedding planning. Each partner writes down 3 of the top priorities you have for the day; these are what you will see and value the most as individuals. Then sit and discuss your top 3 priorities as a couple; these are the kinds of experiences and feelings you want to share on your big day. And yes, you start here, not with a deep dive into vendors. The world may be telling you that “Venues are going quickly!” or “The good photographers will all be gone soon!”, but if you don’t start with getting clear on your own values, you may find it hard to make decisions as a couple or impossible to feel empowered to do independent work and research with confidence.
STEP 2: OUTLINE THE WHO + HOW MUCH OF YOUR EVENT.
There are very few things that a planner cannot help with, but these two items fall into that category: the style of your event and your budget. Only you can decide how you want to celebrate your love. Is it meaningful to you to acknowledge your legacies and invite the village that raised you? Does it feel right to spend quality time talking to all those invited? Before you write an invite list, I encourage each of you to write down who you want to have a quality interaction with on your big day (your “A priority” people). Then, write who you want to have witness your marriage ceremony and celebration (your “B priority” people). If there are any symbolic invitations to friends or family that you want to include, write them down in a third group (your “C priority” people). Then sit and talk about which groups you mutually want to include. If the A group is the only compelling choice, then consider an elopement or intimate wedding. If the B crew is coming along, you may be reaching intimate or regular wedding size. If C group is hopping on board, then throw a party and let your wedding be joyfully full. With each of these categories, budget accordingly. There is no magic number or recommendation I can make when it comes to a budget estimate; every couple and their values are different. If you find yourself having a hard time establishing a budget, or understanding whether your budget is a good fit for your event, reach out to a planner for a free consult! We’re happy to help you learn whether your vision and budget align with expectations for the local market. Which brings me to my next point…
STEP 3: DECIDE WHETHER + WHAT KIND OF PLANNER IS RIGHT FOR YOU.
It’s insane that we expect couples to get engaged and magically become wedding professionals. Seriously. We live in a time where there is still a societal expectation that at least one of you has been visualizing this day since childhood, and because of that, you have somehow obtained all the knowledge you need in order to execute this important event in your lives. I’m here to tell you that I do NOT have that expectation of you. I’m also here to tell you that the people around you may not even realize they’re carrying that expectation for you. It takes a village and, if you feel like a professional would help you save time and energy in this year-plus process, that’s exactly why professional planners exist. Here are a few high-level examples of how I help my couples with their planning process.
I create a customized, organized approach to planning that allows you to soften into the process and enjoy co-creating your day. Rather than plugging yourself into an online planning template that may not be a good fit for your values or style of ceremony, I have tools that I customize to your individual needs on the first day we meet. As a result, you know what we work on together and individually is a direct reflection of your priorities AND is the best use of your time.
I spend time outside of our working relationship meeting and vetting vendors so that my recommendations represent the absolute best fit for your values. That means you two don’t have to spend hours online researching options, filling out contact forms, participating in 45-minute consultations, reading over price packets, creating a visual directive for their services, and negotiating their services into a timeline of events. Leave all of that wonderful pre-work to me and keep those hours— and the life you’ve built together—intact during your engagement.
I integrate each decision and detail into our plan of execution. When you have a planner walk through the decision-making process with you, we are not only able to absorb more details over a longer working relationship, but we also have an understanding of the “why” behind your decisions and can thread that value into the fabric of your day. When a game-time decision comes up on your wedding day, we are able to make it for you from a place of confidence because we were privy to your “why”.
If hiring a professional sounds like your path, sit with your partner and write out the things you anticipate needing help with. Think big and look at the categories of: budget creation and maintenance, vendor recommendations (be specific about each category so you see the scale of the help needed), travel planning, location selection, communications planning, group management (seating chart, packing lists, etc.), timeline creation, and event execution. Then, chat with a few planners about their full planning, partial planning, and day of coordination options.
If the DIY route sounds like your path, take time to interview a few planners about their offerings anyways. Those conversations may highlight blind spots that you had not considered. You will also feel informed and grounded in your decision if you’ve taken the time to consider the service, rather than not. If you dig into the DIY process and realize you don’t want to be your own day-of coordinator (or that you don’t want to pass the job on to a friend or family member), you will have an existing relationship with planning services to reach out to.
STEP 4: DIG IN!
Your planning process has begun. By the time you’ve worked your way through this list, you have had three of the most important conversations you can have as a couple to set this day up for success. Remember to post your values up in your wedding planning zone so you can keep them front-and-center in your decision-making process. When you revisit the budget, remember to refer back to the size and number you established for your event to evaluate whether upcoming decisions align with your vision AND if you need to make adjustments to that original agreement. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and to hire professionals for the support that you need to make this a positive planning experience and a kick-grass (or snow) launch into marriage!
— Kate, Tapestry Creative Director