Who Pays for What: How to Have the Money Conversation
Money makes for tricky conversations, especially when it comes to weddings. People have different relationships to money, abundance, and its symbolic value that often make them feel like a victim of their financial status or well being in some respect; like what they have is never “enough” in comparison to others. It is also something not often publicly spoken about, which can cause people to get stuck in money mindsets and project their mindset onto others when money enters a conversation. Layer in the close and/or complicated relationships with family when it comes to weddings, and you have quite a tangled ball of feelings to unravel before you even talk numbers.
Some couples finance their own experience, which means that they have to communicate early and often about budget and their progress together. Other couples have help from friends or family who often look to the couple for leadership on how to contribute. We find that the couples who talk about money early and often in their planning process end up creating investments that align with their values and the experience they create, especially when there are outside contributions to their wedding finances. Let’s talk about what that could look like for you.
HOW MUCH DO WE BUDGET?
Did you know that almost every couple we’ve talked to about their wedding ends up spending about 150% of their original budget estimate? It’s true — and for a variety of reasons. Some couples come into the planning process not knowing how many resources it takes to support a celebration of their desired size and, once they’ve dug into the planning process, realize that it takes a bit more of an investment to create a positive experience for their guests. Some couples find artists and vendors along their journey that inspire different elements of their day and may decide to invest in their talents to bring that vision into their celebration. Some couples establish their budget before inquiring about any resources or contributions from their community, and learn about and apply those resources after they’ve set their budget. There is a lot that can shift as you plan this event, so it’s important to establish a clear and informed financial outline with your partner and your family.
Make sure to do your due diligence with your partner and establish a budget that you can set aside for your celebration. Keep in mind: it may be tempting to dive into online research to figure out “how much you should budget” based on “what people charge”. While there are online resources that can be helpful, we advise you to not go too far down the rabbit hole. You can find practically any service at any price point, so we recommend setting your price and finding services that match. It’s more important to create this number based on what you can afford to set aside. No marriage needs to start in debt because of a wedding!
Once you’ve decided on an honest number, you may want to see how that will break down for your event. As a general rule of thumb for weddings with guests, we recommend budgeting…
20% of the total to venue/accommodations
45% of the total to food and beverage
35% of the total to services
If you are financing your own wedding without any outside help, have an explicit conversation about how you plan to spend the money. Talk about the vendors that mean the most to hire and in what areas you can be more flexible. We also recommend setting two dates to revisit your budget, where you can check on your progress as well as discuss whether an increase feels appropriate after diving into the process. While the rest of the article discusses how to have money conversations with family, we invite you to read on in case some of these tools and mindsets assist you in your conversation with your partner.
If you anticipate having family or friends contribute to your budget, no need to get more meta than that right now. Remember: Your initial budget number doesn’t take any outside contributions into account yet, so breaking the numbers down any further may just cause you to spin your wheels before you have all the information. Let’s turn our attention to hosting the money conversation with your family.
WHO LEADS THE CONVERSATION?
While it may be tempting to bring another person in to lead the conversation, or to let your parents or family members lead, keep in mind that this is your celebration. You and your partner are co-creating an event to kick off your marriage. This is an opportunity to invite them into your creation and your family culture. It is for that reason that we prefer you and your partner host any money conversations with your friends or family.
Still not comfortable with the idea? That’s okay; this can be the first time some couples flip the money script with their parents. Let us embolden you further. Family knows that love is at the root of their relationship to you and can trust that what you say in a conversation comes from a place of love. That same love may not be as available in a conversation with a vendor or professional. Talking about money directly with family members gives you an opportunity to navigate what may be uncomfortable waters together. Because you know you can count on each person's relationship being rooted in love, there is a lot more room for understanding and patience as you navigate together. So long as the conversation is entered into with openness and a willingness to learn something new, then this conversation has the possibility of strengthening family bonds and your understanding of each other. This is everyone's opportunity to have a better, clearer relationship to money conversations and money mindsets. I bet you didn't know your wedding could do that, did you? ;)
Now, that may not always happen on the first try. Talking about money can be new and difficult and full of hurdles. It may take a few meetings to start speaking the same language with one another. Don’t be discouraged if, in the first few meetings, your family railroads you, doesn’t respect your budget, or tries to give beyond what makes you feel comfortable. We don’t hold a fool-proof expectation that all wedding finance conversations will transform the money mindsets of you and your loved ones, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t give you the tools to steer in that direction. The ideas and preparation outlined below are designed to help you prepare, stay present, and hit pause as you navigate these conversations together.
Tap and save these conversation prompts for your next chat!
HOW DO WE PREPARE FOR THE CONVERSATION?
If you haven't already, take some time as a partnership to read and complete the exercises in The Engaged Couple's Roadmap. This homework will help the two of you define your values for the celebration, which will not only help you budget and hire in an aligned manner, but will also help you communicate your priorities and desired investments to anyone you choose to share them with. Communicating your values for the event directly to your family will give the grounding context for the kinds of investments you want to make. From there, they can decide what feels like impactful support and know the "why" for their contribution. For example, I can tell your family that you want to spend "X dollars" on a venue for all these great logistical reasons, but only you can explain the value that provides to your experience and how that aligns with your family culture and goals for the celebration. You'll also begin to develop a framework for decision making that will span the whole planning process. For example, if an investment in florals doesn't feel aligned with the current budget breakdown and your priorities, you'll be able to make a joyful "no" decision rather than getting stuck in a sense of obligation around tradition and expectation. Being able to understand your own values system will be the True North that keeps you (and any involved family members) focused on what matters the most throughout the planning process by speaking a common language.
If you'd like to dive more into creating a budgetary plan of action, we recommend reading and completing the exercises in Invest Wisely In Your Wedding: Why Budgeting For Your Marriage Day Matters. These exercises will take the values system you created from the activity above and begin to shape them into an order of specific financial priorities.
We emphasize doing the values-based work first because, if you dive straight into vendors and numbers, you'll find a whole world of price points and offerings with no filter to put them through. You can take the investment game plan into your discussion with family members. Our goal is that your budget (without any outside contribution) covers your "priority investments" and your "make it work" investments. Your budget may not cover all of the "make it work investments" or the "thrive investments" and that's okay; often, that is what your family values contributing to the most. Hold space for your parents to contribute a mountain of cannoli, or your mother in law to deck the halls with beautiful floral arrangements, or your Aunt Ophelia to bring in all the beautiful soft seating. Let your family contributions be the things that make your celebration thrive.
After your initial budget is determined, your celebration values are established, and your budgetary investments are sorted, you'll be able to host a conversation with your family to show them what you value and why, and what you estimate the cost will be based on your vision and values. Now, you’re ready to host the conversation!
HOW SHOULD THE CONVERSATION GO?
We know that starting this conversation is sometimes the hardest part. You can do all this wonderful prep work and still not know how to get the words out of your face to start things on the right foot. So here is a way to blueprint the conversation:
Show Gratitude
Thank your loved ones for setting aside time to talk about the wedding with you, and more specifically, to dig into the money conversation together.
State Your Intention
Declare your goal for the conversation. Let your family know you've taken the time to discuss your values for the event, created a prioritized budget, and want to share that vision with them today to explore if and how they can help.
Ask for Their Intention
Be open and curious about what they want to walk away from this conversation having achieved. It's okay if they aren't 100% sure about their goal, just stay open and be receptive to how they're entering the conversation.
Share Your Investment Game Plan
You've done the work! Now show the darn thing off. Let them in on the ground floor of what you're creating together. Take time to explain why you value certain parts of the experience in a particular order. This is your opportunity to get them into the world of your celebration and, ultimately, the launch of your unique family culture.
Get Curious About Their Values + Ideas
Ask questions. Let them interact with your game plan. Be open to what their experience and family values bring to the table. Understand which parts of the experience make the most impact for them. Don't be afraid to acknowledge where your values may be different; clarity is King/Queen/Kween.
Create a Way Forward Together
A good conversation leaves both parties feeling satisfied that they were heard and understood. A great conversation ends in a shared understanding of the future and next steps for both parties. The result may be that your family similarly values particular parts of your game plan and wants to invest as a part of your marriage legacy. If that is the case, be specific about what their investment looks like. Drill down so that both parties are clear about what they can expect moving forward, and how they can best work together. The result may also be that there is little alignment between your values for the day. You may choose to make common ground together by continuing the conversation, or respectfully agree to disagree and forge your new path for the celebration independent of your family. Both outcomes are great because you've had a ground-breaking, clarifying conversation with people you love.
BUT WHAT IF I’M NERVOUS?
It is all good. We recommend practicing the conversation with your partner before you go live with your family. While you may be able to anticipate what could be said in your head, there is nothing like doing the work out loud and observing how you respond to different questions, objections, and reactions. Practice both starting the conversation with each other and asking some of the hard questions you anticipate may come up.
Here are a few things to keep in mind as you prepare for the conversation with your family:
Money Often Comes with Judgment
Everyone has their own values or "money mindsets" that they think are right/wrong or good/bad. And guess what: You have them, too. If you hit a point of disagreement when you're discussing an investment, rather than picking apart the money mindset of the other person or shaming your own, get curious and ask why they feel the way they do about the investment.
No One Wants to Be Seen as Insecure When it Comes to Money
If you do your due diligence of getting clear on your values and priorities, your preparation will shine through in your conversation. Your family may or may not agree with you, but they will be able to understand that you are clear and firm in your priorities and will be able to understand the "why" behind your chosen investments.
Money is a Mechanism to Accomplish Your Goals
Money does not define you. So if you're clear on what matters most, then money is just the vehicle to get there. How much you have does not have anything to do with your worthiness nor the success of your event.
You Can't Do it Alone
Chances are, if you're letting someone into the financial side of your celebration, that they are trusted and deeply loved by the two of you. Though money and stress may not be considered polite conversation or a publicly discussed one in your family culture, the most important people in your life can and should be involved in matters that deeply impact the family culture you want to create. Share your hopes and dreams for the celebration. Also share what is stressing you out. Then invite them into the process so you can take aligned action together. Let them know that they make a difference for you.
Practice Non-Attachment
Are you entering the conversation with expectations? Are you anticipating a bias? Do you foresee any triggers? Family is a beautiful thing, but we also know that it can come with its own unique set of challenges. While acknowledging the things you anticipate may happen is a valuable exercise during the practice conversation, I ask you to set aside any preconceived notions when you're done practicing. Purge your attachment to particular ideas or outcomes for the conversation and enter with openness to the outcome that is meant to be. Surrender your attachment to any dollar sign or contribution because, at the end of the day, your relationship with your family is infinitely more valuable than any monetary contribution they might make to your celebration. Don't hold your family captive to your love. If you stay open in the conversation, they will more than likely return the favor. And if they begin to hold their love captive to a particular style of celebration or outcome, then give yourself permission to pause the conversation, explain why, and detach for the time being until both parties can return with openness again.
Photos courtesy of Kamra Fuller Photography.
At the end of the day, our job as planners is to make sure the experience a couple wants is matched by the services we hire. Sure, we can lend professional insight on budgetary estimates and attach numbers to priorities, building an investment game plan together. But what we are most focused on is making sure investments align with values and, when outside resources are offered, that they are accepted with clarity of purpose and alignment into the couple’s declared family culture. We hope that this resource helps guide you on that path with your loved ones.
— Kate, Creative Director of Tapestry Event Co.