How to Spend the Time Before Your Wedding, Postponement Edition
“The one thing I wish I would have done differently was…” When you hear that sentence, you know to perk up your ears because a big dose of wisdom is about to be dropped into your lap. Doing what we do, and being as close to our clients as we are, we often catch up with our couples after their big day to hear about what rocked and what they would have changed. We believe in passing on the lessons learned by other Tapestry couples so you can learn from their experiences and take the step into marriage one step more mindful. So from hearts of our brides to yours, here is a compilation of wisdom for you to soak in about how to spend the year before your wedding if it’s been impacted by the pandemic. 💖
HONOR THE PIVOT.
If you haven’t spent time with the grief of making changes to your timeline or vision of your wedding celebration, take the time to do so. We are all for feeling disappointed and grieving the original plan while still being excited for your new plan. So take some time and space to process that rollercoaster before moving forward into the next stage of planning.
Ms. C recommends… a grief ritual.
“We held a small “grief ritual” which helped us shift into being in the present moment vs. jumping straight to future planning. Pour a glass of wine, burn some (sustainably sourced) sage, write down your original date/venue/vision on a piece of paper and (safely) burn it. You let something go; honor that and clear the energy for your new vision to come into form. What a perfect way for you and your fiancé to practice how you’ll show up for one another and your relationship in challenging times.”
Ms. D recommends… savoring each changed plan as an opportunity.
“I enjoyed the mishaps. We planned our engagement photos, but they got pushed back several times due to snow. Each and every time the plans changed, we took advantage of the AirBnB rentals and went on a mini getaway. We made the most of it in the midst of the pandemic. Those were some of our best decisions.”
REFLECT ON THE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE + SET INTENTIONS.
Our brides expressed how important it is to think about how you want to feel during the planning process and what you want to focus your energy on. Whether this means anchoring yourself in your values of who you want to hire or making space for the romantic attitude you want to be in when you come up to the date, sit down and have a conversation with your partner.
Ms. D recommends… make intentional decisions about energy.
“Having a small wedding meant less stress for me. Sure I had Kate, but we both would have worked a lot more and planned more if we had a larger scale elopement. Being just the two of us meant planning was aligned with what we wanted, less challenging, and even more special.”
Ms. C recommends… vote with your dollar.
“When selecting vendors our intention was to vote with our dollars. We wanted to hire from the pool of our amazingly talented friends in the industry where possible, and hire small, local, LGBTQ+, and/or minority-owned businesses to fill in the rest. We used our budget creation process to set intentions about how we want to approach, discuss, and feel about finances in our marriage. Our philosophy here was ‘if we’re going to do the things anyway, let’s choose how we want to do them and get the most out of our efforts for the long-term.’”
Something they also emphasized was thinking about the moments you feel like you are missing from a non-COVID impacted wedding celebration. While it may hurt a twinge, this reflection process will inform elements that you may want to bring into this new version of your celebration in new ways. Many brides talked about wishing they had engaged with their family and friends more prior to and during the day.
Ms. D recommends… connect with family.
“I wish I had connected with my family more. With everything being virtual, we certainly overlooked the time you typically celebrate with family. We would recommend other couples not to forget the importance of family and the impact of their presence. This is one of those moments in life where you can count on being around family and having celebrations. However, due to COVID, the lead up to the wedding was a little underwhelming from our end. We missed out on a lot.”
Another element to reflect on are the main takeaways from your wedding experience. What will you be sharing with your friends and family after having your modified celebration? Our brides recommend taking extra time to think through all the elements (photos, video, custom stationary, etc.) that will be long-lasting from your day.
Ms. C recommends… be detailed with your photos.
“The details of our photos kind of snuck up on us. Who do you want photos with, specifically; which humans will be in each photo? Where will people stand when it’s not their turn to be in a photo? Will people be watching as you take your photos? Are there people who won’t be in your “formal photos” but who you want to be sure to get candids or more casual photos with after the ceremony?”
GROUND YOURSELF IN YOUR “WHY”.
During the Tapestry process, we send couples multiple questionnaires to key in on who they are individually, together, and how they want those versions of themselves to create a future. When we asked brides about their planning process, they spoke to how valuable those questions were to getting at the root of their marriage and celebration. You don’t need our questionnaire to do this type of reflection. Ask yourself “why” at each step of the planning process and each decision you make. Does the why align with your intention? While seeming fairly straightforward, we frequently find that these prompts lead to bigger discussions about values, traditions, and how you want those to come forth into the future. It’s an opportunity to redefine traditions or make them more meaningful to the two of you.
Ms. A recommends… take the time to reflect.
“All of the questionnaires were challenging to get through, but really gave us a great jumping off point for our wedding day and the kick off of our marriage.”
Ms. D recommends… focus on what brings you joy.
“I focused more on the vision and less about the details. I was in awe with this moody, burgundy theme. I kept purchasing little things here and there to bring it life. One of the most important things I did throughout the planning process was to text Kate [her planner] before my purchases. I know it sounds silly, but she likely saved me tons of money. I wanted to buy everything, and she kept me in line.”
Ms. C recommends… ask all the questions.
“[Asking why] led to many juicy, heart-connected conversations, even with the more common or traditional elements of our celebration. For example, ‘Why are we writing vows? What is the purpose or intention of these vows and what do they mean to us?’ Some of these questions seemed like they would be so obvious, but then it was tricky to put into words... Each time we left feeling even more connected and excited about our commitment to one another and about our celebration.”
SPEND TIME CONNECTING.
Ultimately, the time spent planning your marriage celebration is also time that you are spending engaged. We encourage you to still make space to enjoy your engagement and put aside time to be together without planning. Have fun, interact, and be present. Love your partner and the way you feel around them. Learn about new elements of your relationship. Be with each other.
Ms. C recommends… date nights with big conversations.
“The first big thing we did in service to our vision for our engagement was to read the book 8 Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. We can’t recommend it enough (even if it might take a bit to get into- just drink the kool-aid and give it a whirl). The big takeaway is to have set weekly date nights. The book walks you through the first eight dates, and each one is themed around a topic that is vital to nurturing a fulfilling long-term relationship.”
Ms. A recommends… keeping your time together in perspective.
“One bright spot that I didn't see happening with the lock downs and working from home 100% with my partner is we were able to do all the zoom calls together right at the end of the day and take a few minutes afterward to debrief instead of having to rush home in traffic, or take the calls separately from our offices. When an issue arose we were able to go into solution mode together to work through it in between work calls. If we had tried to plan this without COVID, while we might not have had some of the issues we ran into, we would not have been able to focus on it together as much as we did because of spending more time together. While it wasn't ideal, the day was still more than we could have dreamed of and exceeded every single expectation we had for how it would look and more importantly feel.”
Ms. C recommends… maybe also talk about your vows.
“We started the vow writing process pretty early on (thank you, Tapestry, for the Vow Writing Workshop!), and then let it marinate for… too long. I wish we had seen our vow writing process all the way through at least two months before the wedding day.... My husband and I co-wrote our vows, and it would have been lovely to have them ‘done’ and available to go back to, sit with, and let them sink in before sharing them with our friends and family in the ceremony.”
GO ALL IN + GET SUPPORT.
We like to frame that since you are going all in to marriage with one another, you might as well invest yourself in your planning process as well. Whether this looks like leaning on friends and family to help make decisions, calling in professionals to take care of details and logistics, or something in between, we recommend bringing a community with you into the process. Planning a marriage celebration, whether a small wedding or elopement, takes planning work. We think that planning work is enriched by bringing your full selves, desires, ideas, and culture to it.
Ms. A recommends… hire professionals so you can focus on your relationship.
“Hands down the best thing we did in the planning process was bring Kate and her team at Tapestry on board to help us plan. With there being so much during this time we had absolutely no control over, it was so nice to take away so much of our worry and stress knowing there was someone on our side and had boots on the ground in the general location. After every meeting with Kate, it was almost palpable the stress leaving my body. Instead of trying to figure out logistics, my partner and I were able to focus on bigger questions like how did we want the day to feel rather than just how it would look in a photo or if someone else would enjoy the day (which didn't matter because we eloped just the two of us).”
Ms. D recommends… call in your family and friends for support.
“I wish I would have leaned on friends to help plan or coordinate. I let a lot fall on me, but, to be honest, I didn't know what exactly I could/should delegate during the virus.”
Ms. C recommends… the Tapestry Planning Portal.
“The Tapestry Planning Portal has a ton of additional resources to help you make your engagement intentional and amplify your connection — from TED talks to blog posts to discussion prompts. It is SO worth it to take these additional small steps; they brought us closer together and helped guide not only our wedding, but the foundation of our marriage. Especially because we’ve been together for so long, these steps helped us get back to our foundations and start our marriage on a high note. We’ve never felt stronger in our relationship, and I’m confident our date nights and Tapestry Planning Portal activities are two key reasons why.”
Images courtesy of Zarza Photography.
We appreciate all of the input and support from our community to create a guide of thoughts and reflections on wedding or elopement planning during a pandemic. Knowing something and embodying the ideas are separate practices. We want to offer one last piece of advice from our Creative Director Kate on centering yourself during the process.
“This advice was passed on to me by my venue owners/coordinators on my own wedding day and is the piece of wisdom that I always make sure to pass along to every couple. It is elegant in its simplicity and keeps the most important part of your day intact: Take lots of deep breaths. When you take deep breaths, your heart rate slows down, you start to calm yourself, you get present in the moment, and you soak in exactly what is happening in the here and now. What could be more important on your wedding day? So take as many deep breaths as you can. Soak in the moments of loving enthusiasm as you spend the morning with your support system, the eye contact and eye talk with your partner as you make your vows, the heartfelt words during your toasts, the intimacy of your first dance, and the warmth found in the whole body hugs with your most beloved humans. Start practicing giving yourself permission to slow down and breathe now and it’ll be just a touch easier when all the feels of the day start to set in.”
— The Tapestry Team