Marriage + the Patriarchy
***Foreward/disclaimer to the reader: I want to acknowledge that not all couples are made of a cisgendered man and a cisgendered woman pairing. This article is primarily written for cis-couples; the power dynamic authored by historically masculine and feminine experiences will most certainly apply to their combined partnership. That said, there is a spectrum of experiences that couples have depending on how their gender or sex is perceived, or based on how they express their masculine or feminine traits to the world and inside of their relationship. So whether you are a cisgendered couple or not, we welcome you to read this article because it is more than likely you have experienced some of the gendered expectations written by a patriarchal society and that you may gain some valuable insights from this piece.
Some of you may have read that title and started rubbing your hands together in anticipation of the juicy details that follow, ready to dig into how we can f*ck the patriarchy one more time by rewriting our feminist wedding experience. Some of you may have read that title and immediately shut down, feeling victimized based on your complicity in perpetuating the patriarchy or your gendered association with the patriarchy. And some of you still may have read that title and rolled your eyes at how it is clearly seeping with liberal-leaning woman empowerment rah-rah messaging.
Guess what? Whatever camp you fall in, you had a reaction to the title, and that means that “patriarchy” is a buzzword that stops you from digging into the effect it has on weddings and feminist marriage. Without digging into that reaction and getting clear about what the patriarchy has to do with the expectations you have for this lifelong commitment, you will continue to have blind spots in your marriage and harbor expectations that limit how you and your partner are able to support and liberate one another. READ THAT LAST SENTENCE AGAIN. Do you want to start your marriage with blind spots about each other’s role in the relationship? Inherited stories that dictate the terms of your marriage? Unspoken expectations about how you will operate as a team? Unaddressed biases that could be passed on to the next generation? We didn’t think so, so let’s get to work.
THE PATRIARCHY.
Let’s start with what the heck the patriarchy actually is. We want to transform this from a buzzword into a well-understood cultural truth so that you don’t flinch or shut your brain off when you hear it. At its root, patriarchy is a hierarchy in which women are subordinate to men. Patriarchy is built on the oppression of women, where women are delivered the message that they are unworthy of power in the same way that men are. Through pervasive cultural messaging in which women and men both buy in, “men are given more resources, have more cultural authority, and are not held to the same cultural expectations as women” (Herrick + Luna, Your Story Is Your Power). As a result of the power imbalance between genders, the mistreatment of women as unequal to their male counterparts has become well-recognized and categorized as:
Sexism: A prejudice or stereotype on the basis of sex. This can include gendered roles and expectations, condescension, economic exploitation, and social domination. Sexist behaviors can be experienced by any gender, but is most commonly applied toward women and girls.
Misogyny: The hatred of women. This can manifest as indifference to their needs; aggressive attempts to coerce or keep women controlled; and the enjoyment of women’s misfortune or oppression.
Why is it important to understand what the patriarchy, sexism, and misogyny are?
It’s important because, if you have only one girl or woman in your life, whether cisgendered or transgendered, it affects them in your treatment of them, regardless of how you identify. THAT is how pervasive the patriarchy and its messaging are in our society.
We feel that everyday examples are the best way to bring this concept to life for couples. Many of them are embarking on a radically aware and intentional journey to marriage together. But in the context of wedding industry and marriage culture, brides are told to “thrive” in their subordination as women and men are given little guidance on how they can also support the foundations of marriage:
Storytelling and fairy tales: The leading ladies in these stories shape women’s ideas of who we are, what our culture values in us, and who we feel we ought to become to find our “happily ever after”. The old school Disney examples are filled with domestic housework (Cinderella); self-sacrifice, submissive behavior, and abusive relationships (Beauty and the Beast); non-consensual touch from male rescuers (Snow White); and valuing beauty above all else (all the above examples). The message? Beautiful, subordinate housekeepers will be rescued by their loving Prince someday, just wait, practice subservience, and see.
Fulfillment as a woman through marriage: The wedding-industrial complex (kidding...but not) furthers the fairytale narrative for women by encouraging them to invest in perfection. The expectation is that, if you are a perfect bride that builds a perfect wedding, you will be fulfilled in this narrative and finally achieve your “happily ever after”. That sounds insane when you read it, right? But it is REAL y’all. How many brides strive for perfection in different aspects when planning their wedding? Or get wound up in “bridezilla” states of being when the illusion of perfection starts to become fractured? Or shattered? We are being resold the idea that our value is in our ability to provide the perfect family life, beginning with our modern dowry of planning the perfect celebration for all to see.
Fulfillment as a man through becoming the prodigal provider: Hi fellas! We know that patriarchal culture can negatively impact your lives, it just happens in a much less pervasive manner. Let’s focus on the predominant storyline written for married men. My guys: patriarchy has sold you the expectation that you’re supposed to be the provider for your family. If you fail to financially support a household then you fail as a man, plain and simple. So you spend your childhood aspiring to high powered, high paying jobs that will provide steady income for your family. Clearly, stories and expectations on both sides need to be rewritten for the modern age.
Why are these important terms to understand in the context of your upcoming nuptials? Because the patriarchy, sexism, and misogyny affect every bride without exception. In order to empathize with a bride’s experience, you first have to step into a lifetime of cultural expectations placed on her shoulders about who she is and how that is “foretold” by her gender in the patriarchy, including: her role in society, family, and relationships; her expectations and limitations in career and life; and what it means to be married and a wife, especially to a husband. The patriarchy is a part of our realities, though more obvious for women than men, and if anyone wants to be a good partner to a bride (including the bride herself!), then you have to understand the weight of what society has told her this day means over the course of a lifetime.
LET’S BEGIN FLIPPING THAT SCRIPT TOGETHER.
What does it mean to be a modern bride who wants to break down the patriarchal definition of your role in your wedding day?
Well first thing, you badass chick you: Be patient with yourself. Chances are that, even in the best circumstances, you have years of unraveling to do when it comes to reprogramming your powerful female voice and freeing yourself from patriarchal expectations. It takes time and it can’t be rushed, but you can show up for it every day. Here are some words of advice from your wedding planning sisters about how the patriarchy may be showing up in your journey to marriage, and what you can do when you recognize it.
Do not make your planning process a monolithic effort. We know, we know, weddings are one of the few things in life that society automatically gives women open space to spread their wings and express themselves. We get the desire to hoard that open space and try to hold on to as much of it as possible. There really aren’t many large life events where our society says, “Hey ladies, you take the lead here!” *takes a sweeping bow and gestures to the unbridled playground of wedding planning*. But remember where that notion comes from: it’s the patriarchy opening up space for you to “prove” that you are worthy of a man’s lifelong commitment. It is power with conditions that ultimately belongs to the male, and digging your nails in to try and hold onto or control as much of it as possible will only perpetuate the icky power dynamic given to you by society between you and your partner.
So how do we turn this on its head and rewrite the story as equal amongst genders? Get ready: Invite your partner to participate in the process. Actually invite him in. Let him know that you want this to be a shared experience like other aspects of your relationship. Tell him that you want this celebration to set a precedent for the rest of your relationship: that you will build and problem solve and work together to create your family life, and that nothing will be a one-sided effort. Recognize that you have ideas, and that you may have more ideas to bring to the table than your partner at first, but that you want to just as much hear his ideas and help him formulate opinions about how to co-create this day. He is not a silent partner meant to be complicit to your plans and show up looking pretty on the big day; he is your equal partner meant to participate enthusiastically in the marriage he is choosing to create… and should still show up looking what he defines as dapper AF on his wedding day.
What does it mean to be a loving groom ready to step in and participate in your own reprogramming alongside your partner?
Grooms, let’s start by avoiding the biggest misstep we see in the planning process: Show up for it. So often we meet women who believe that, because society has placed greater importance on this day for them than on their masculine partner’s shoulders, that they are expected to carry the entire responsibility themselves. We often see men opt out of the wedding planning and execution process. Sometimes it comes from a place of “That’s not my job,” in which case, you’ve been fed a lie by the patriarchy, and we are here to tell you that all things having to do with your marriage are “your job” (read: your voluntary commitment to your chosen life partner and building said life together). Other times choosing to opt out comes from a place of “She’s so excited about this/has so many ideas/has a vision/has been dreaming about this since she was a kid/[insert any other gendered expectation of a female’s role in the wedding], that I want to give her the reins to do what she wants.” This intention comes from a slightly better place, but again, is an expectation set by the patriarchy that you, by way of this approach, are complicit in perpetuating. And you thought you weren’t a victim of our patriarchal society because you’re a man *raises champagne glass alongside Leonardo DiCaprio*. Welcome to the club, boys.
What happens when you take a one-sided approach to creating this day?
Here’s a simple version: Your wife takes on the part-time job of wedding planning solo (in addition to whatever badass life she already lives), is expected to do the work herself, feels like a failure if she has to ask for help, and does not have people from which she can draw support or a second opinion because the patriarchy is pressuring her to prove herself worthy as a future wife. She maintains a budget and resources for these ambitions by herself, struggles for perfection in every last detail, and feels alone the closer she gets to the big day as she realizes it’s just her sealing up the details. She has to manage and brief everyone on where they should be and when, is expected to show up looking like her best self ever while managing two families and a hoard of friends, and when she ultimately arrives to the day, she may look around and realize that the man she is marrying is nowhere in the details. She has completely constructed this day herself, and while it may look beautiful or “just the way she wanted” in many aspects, it’s not a family event: it’s her event, and you’re just showing up to say “I do.” That feels good for NO ONE. And it certainly isn’t the feeling you want to have when taking your first steps into marriage.
So rather than opting out of the process, for whatever reason, dig in. Be there. Ask questions, form opinions, and show up. Participate in planning meetings, help maintain the budget, go to tours and tastings together. See the opportunity to co-create something special with your partner that you get to share with your loved ones. You may just find that you come out stronger on the other side — with more communication, budgeting, decision making, and hosting skills that will serve you the rest of your lives.
As planners, one of the big things we focus on is helping couples create an equal partnership in their planning process. Whether it’s encouraging someone to share ownership, or inviting someone else in to participate, we consider it a part of our jobs. It’s an ongoing process because life is busy and the patriarchy has been in your heads longer than we have, but it’s some of the most worthy work. We would rather fight for couples to experience a shared launch into marriage, to enter a lifelong commitment on the same page, than let the patriarchal expectations of our society guide the process ANY DAY. So we will fight, and if you find yourself in the same fight and want more tools or to have a conversation with someone who can help, give us a holler.
— Kate, Creative Director of Tapestry Event Co.
Our Favorite Feminist Books and Workbooks
We Should All Be Feminists and We Should All Be Feminists: A Guided Journal by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
The List Of Shit That Made Me A Feminist by Farida D.
Women Don’t Owe You Pretty by Florence Given
Your Story Is Your Power: Free Your Feminine Voice by Elle Luna + Susie Herrick
Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Women Money Power: The Rise and Fall of Economic Equality by Josie Cox
On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good by Elise Loehnen