Being Flexible with the Wedding or Elopement Planning Process
We wish that wedding planning could be a clean and easy process. We wish that a checklist of items, followed in order, on a strict schedule, was the answer for everyone. But the fact of the matter is that planning timelines, and project management in general, is a complex and interconnected beast. The perfect template does not exist. That fact doesn’t have to come with a sense of overwhelm, however. We’d like to share how you can be flexible in your planning process in order to create a balanced, grounded approach that serves you.
ELEMENTS OF PLANNING THAT TAKE TIME.
There are three things you need in order to start planning your wedding: an estimated headcount, a budget, a region to host an event, and a given date range. If you are missing any of these puzzle pieces, you will soon find yourself hamstrung to make decisions and running around in circles over the same ground.
Some parts of these tasks are going to take a bit more time, a few conversations, and perhaps a bit of compromise. After all, you are planning this together, and it takes effort to calibrate and make joint-decisions in order to plan a wedding that truly belongs to both of you. Below are a few of the tasks that require sessions of planning together in order to reach a happy result. We recommend scheduling regular time to tackle these topics. This could look like a wedding planning date one hour per week, two hours every other week, or a several hour date per month. Put it on the calendar — you’ll be glad you did.
Create a guest list
Creating your guest list is one of the first things we invite a couple to do. It takes conversation and energy to decide how big you want your event to be, who makes the list, and who may live on a backup invitation list depending on RSVPs. There can be conversations about groups, obligations, and impact on budget that may arise. Give yourself time to have full conversations and navigate these topics together.
Decide on your budget
Decide on your budget early and revisit your budget often. Financial literacy isn’t something regularly taught in school, nor regularly passed down through generations. It can take time and resources to successfully have conversations about how much you want to spend, which priorities are flexible or firm, and who will be responsible for covering which costs. Ground into these financial conversations early and they will pay dividends as you continue to plan together.
Choose a geographical region + a date range
Give yourself a geographical region and a date range for your event before you start hiring your vendors. Vendor hiring is an iterative process where you consult with and interview options to understand who can match your needs and expectations, as well as get along with your personality. If you enthusiastically dive into looking at vendors too soon, you may end up enrolling options that don’t fit your location or its date availability. Lock in where and when your celebration is happening, then give time to the process of finding the right vendor matches for you.
Not all wedding planning conversations are heavy-lifting. Know that there are topics that can be figured out in a single discussion. These topics can include your theme, your colors, your values, your outfits, your wedding party, or the different styles of vendors that you like.
ELEMENTS OF PLANNING THAT CAN BE DECIDED LATER.
You may experience the energy you have to plan a wedding as seasonal, or arriving in waves. Sometimes you have more enthusiasm to plan and knock out a bunch of to-do’s, and sometimes you have less and need a break. We encourage couples to always know how they’re pacing against their goals and to embrace the seasons of rest if all is well on the planning front. After all, you can’t “get it all over with” at once – that mentality leads to a less present, less delicious wedding planning experience.
There are some parts of planning that simply can’t be decided until the last few months. Your planning prowess will have to wait until you have the information necessary to make decisions in certain realms. Those key actions include…
Designating your day-of helpers.
You can start to formulate your list of decorations and small, non-vendor tasks in the last three months of planning. This list typically matches up responsibilities with your most valuable humans and guests. The list could include anything from setting up a memorial table and lawn games, to getting ice or kegs, to decorating and supplying the getting ready room, and anything else you might need that will not be hired out to a professional. Start the list a few months in advance and make your asks so that people have time to consider and consent. When you get to a few weeks out, kindly remind your humans of their duties and thank them for supporting you both.
Organizing your seating arrangement.
While you may know the attendance intentions of your close family and friends, you cannot accurately predict all your attendees far in advance. Creating a seating arrangement and any necessary communication tools (e.g. seating chart, escort or place cards, and/or meal indicators) takes time. Once you have a floor plan created in partnership with your planner or venue manager, you can start to place the few RSVPs you can predict. As RSVPs roll in the last couple of months, begin to place people on your seating arrangement. Doing this on a rolling basis will avoid the rushed process that can sometimes occur the week before your event.
Formulating a weather plan.
Your planner or venue will help you devise Plan A + Plan B in the event of weather, and will have a date for making the final call in place. If you live in a region with varying weather, your team will likely make the weather decision a day or two before your event, or even up until the morning of, depending on how agile the venue and staff can adapt in the moment. Our best advice is to create a Plan A and Plan B that you are at peace with, then let the professionals run the show for you. We’ve seen far too many people give way too much of their energy to stressing over weather which, at the end of the day, is something that none of us can control.
Planning around the unexpected.
Plan an hour a day the last two weeks before your wedding to address any event-related needs. You may not always need it, but you will be glad to have it when you do, and especially glad when it doesn’t come at the cost of your sleep. Make the last two weeks a time of limited social interaction EXCEPT for planned events related to your wedding. We’ve seen couples block off an hour a day in their calendars after their work schedule and self care activities to ensure they have the capacity to respond to wedding-related demands. We’ve also seen couples take time off of work, anywhere from a few days to a whole week, before their wedding just to help transition out of their routines and into party mode, while also creating time and space to manage last-minute items before the big day.
HOW TO EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.
No wedding day has ever run 100% to plan, even with a professional team running the show on behalf of a couple who spent time and energy partnering with their vendors. Given the average wedding has 5,000 details that come together on a single day, “perfection” is a statistical impossibility. It is also a detrimental mindset to have going into the event.
We as planners take a lot of pride in getting as close to that 100% A+ mark as we can when it comes to event execution. But we also know that a lot of different people and services are coming together for the first and only time on this day and, despite our best efforts at communication and coordination, there may be times when we have to adapt to the circumstances at hand. That is why we at Tapestry spend SO much time reviewing and reflecting on your values and your vision; we want to have the tools to make the most aligned decisions possible on your behalf when we have to adapt the plan.
Here are some of the areas where unexpected outcomes can occur and how we recommend responding to them:
A florist/baker/caterer placed an order for specific blooms/ingredients for your product, but their pipeline couldn’t deliver, and so they have to make a best-fit substitution given what is available. When they notify you, discuss the substitution, how that will work for your vision, and whether there is an impact on the original price point. Then thank them for the time and energy they spent creating a solution.
A photographer/videographer takes an action that causes them to run late for the start of your coverage, or does a task that makes your day go off the timeline in order to get some really great shots. When they or the planner notifies you, discuss how you can adapt the timeline to fit in your priority photos and activities without adding stress to the day. Remain open to ideas, be willing to flex the number of locations you travel to, and/or decide whether you’d like to pay a little extra to extend their coverage, in order to get the day back on schedule. We like to have this discussion with our couples in advance so that we know how to take action right away.
An unexpected event happens causing key guests to run late to your ceremony. Discuss with your coordinator how long you’d like to wait and how the timeline can adapt to give as many people the best experience possible. Connect them to a wedding party or family liaison who can manage and relay communications from the late parties.
A medical event occurs at your wedding. This can happen at larger weddings (75+ people) and, in our experience, occurs in the last few hours of the event. In the case of an emergency, we ask any known/sober doctors or nurses for assistance in triage while we call the paramedics. We are typically able to handle events like this relatively quickly without the involvement of the couple and without disruption to the party. However, it can happen, and having a coordinator or manager in charge of communication in an emergency situation helps when the unexpected occurs.
Know that, if and when unexpected challenges arise, your vendor team will use the strength of their connection with you and their professional experience to craft a best-fit solution. So if you haven’t begun to invest in your vendor relationships (yet), we recommend spending some time connecting with them!
Where it is beneficial to hold space
At the risk of over-extending the grade analogy from the last section, we’d like to talk about how to hold space for PEOPLE at your event. Because “people” is the category that needs the most space held in any wedding event.
We allow vendors to perform an A effort at your event. We are super clear that an “A” means 90%+. We as the planner-coordinators are there to help them through the 10% wiggle room that they may need to execute excellently while still moving the event forward with the rest of the team. If any performance begins to track below that threshold, we commit to resetting expectations with you or a trusted liaison. We ask that all couples keep in mind what an A effort means and that managing the last 10% is our job. You have much better things to focus on at your wedding, after all. ;)
Just as we hold space for your vendors, we ask you to hold the same amount of space for your guests. Not everyone will be able to attend in the same capacity they anticipated 6, 3, or even 1 month prior to your date. We tell our couples to expect a 5-8% variance in attendance between the final RSVP and the day of the event. That accounts for things like health, childcare coverage, travel, and other life disruptions and impact a guest’s capacity to attend. Your guests may reach out directly to communicate the change with you in the final month, in which case we recommend setting aside the amount of energy you need to respond with understanding and kindness, and to adapt items like your seating chart without stressing your schedule.
You may also hold space for your people on the day of your wedding. Weddings kick up a lot of dust. The day-of can be a very emotional experience for those close to you. We recommend thoughtfully choosing those you are spending time with, and how you are spending time with them, to make sure you are feeling just as supported by them as you may be feeling vulnerable. You might also consider who may present an energetic drain on your day and how to create boundaries around that relationship so that you can remain present to the wonderful day you have planned.
Photos courtesy of Megan Montalvo Photography.
At the end of the day, sh*t happens! No matter the effort we put into that A+ coordination, life will sometimes create beautiful obstacles that you’ll have to work around at the last minute. Creating space for yourself to have an open mind, be kind to your vendors, and ask for solutions before pointing fingers is going to be key to helping the day still go smoothly. Being able to trust your planner or coordinator is part of making sure the stress is displaced from just you. Knowing that someone understands what you value out of your day and can make decisions on your behalf creates incredible amounts of peace of mind.